03 Mar #thosedays
Life is all about perspective.
Let go of what you can’t control.
You are responsible for your own feelings.
You can change your own thoughts.
Don’t invest in those who wouldn’t invest in you.
We see them all the time, we pass them around daily. All the Pinterest mantras and quotes from everyone’s boards that are beautiful and motivating, so you pinpinpinpinPIN ALL THE WORDS. You hang them in your house, tattoo them on your body, all in the hopes that you will see this every day and it will remind you to let go of the things you can’t control in life and breathe easy. Think positive, let it go.
I’m guilty of it too. Words are my favorite. I have two word tattoos, and quotes all over my house. And I truly believe these things. I want to be happy when I grow up. I’ve given my heart to those I love and trusted them not to break it. I would love to find someplace beautiful to get lost.
But I can’t. Pretty weak excuse huh? I’ve been living in the past for awhile now, and pretty negatively. It is very hard for me to think positively and be optimistic about the future. I try to change my thoughts and look at things in a different light. But it’s hard to overcome those automatic thoughts (‘shrink talk’) that have plagued me all my life. That cause me to internalize everything and conclude that I simply wasn’t good enough. Honestly, I wish I could stab the shrink who put that phrase into my head because that’s all I’ve felt for the past 9 years. Not good enough.
Now, I realize this is pretty deep so I shall follow it with something appropriately amusing. But to be honest, I’ve never felt more alone than I have this past year and a half, and I’ve never felt more like a failure. I have not accomplished much of anything upon graduating from college in ’06. I’ve gone from job to job and been unable to stay anywhere more than a year. I’m always wondering how I can change my life. I have done nothing with the career that school prepared me for, and my resume simply consists of pushing papers and organizing. I have figured out what I want to do with my life (kind of), but I’m not sure how to get there. I don’t want to be that person that just goes to work, comes home eats dinner, go to work….part of the rat race. I feel that I’ve wasted my life the past 8 years. I haven’t done anything. And the worst part is comparing myself to other people. Whether they’re making 6 figures in the corporate world, or doing what.ever.the.hell.they.want, I feel like a failure. Weak. Spineless. Safe. Every one seems to be living these amazing lives, in amazing places, creating amazing art that inspires. Me? I got nothin. I don’t know how to let go of the past or how to not compare myself to others. I don’t know how, I don’t know how, I don’t know how. So I keep living the same life I’ve been living for the past 7 years. And I’m struggling to keep it together.
So I ask you, how do you do it? How do you ignore that little voice in your head that wont go away that tells you, you’re not good enough. That tells you that no matter what you attempt, you’ll probably fail.
And then? Oh. Yeah, there are people in the world that have it so much worse than you do, asshole. Suck it up.