the ‘wearing-your-heart-on-your-sleeve’ part of this life is a beautiful one, but it’s also an incredibly abrupt one. feelings creep up on you at a moments’ notice, and you never know when something is going to literally take your breath away, when you’re going to stumble, when your confidence will cripple, or when your heart will split you wide open with no warning. the pain will be fresh, and beautiful. its raw, and stronger than you’ve faced before. it feels like a wave, but one that you can’t wait to be submerged in. but its also one that will never let you take a complete breath.
its a double edged sword that you want to jump on. its a memory that slices you, that makes you gasp with pain, but it’s also one you can’t wait to melt into, one that you consent yourself to sink with, no matter the consequences.
it’s beautiful and terrible at the same time, if only because you know the depth of it. if only because you know of the promise it could hold, the wound its carved that refuses to be ignored, and the weight it puts in your chest.
its not mental but physical at this point. nothing that lets up to let you breathe, nothing to provide you with any sort of complete air. the solace that you accept does nothing but numb you, and it becomes addicting, to feel nothing; rather than something that makes you unable allow your heart to beat.
to wish this were a game, a veil to pull away, to be able to breathe, for real, provides a second of peace, that you fly with, but you realize when you still and listen to the quiet, that the fog has never left you.
so you sink into it. and you drown.