12 Feb yet another post of ramblings….
happy sunday. its grammy sunday. and RIP whitney sunday. as a girlfriend put it, “whitney houston bit the frikin.” so sad.
this week i did something crazy. i’m sure i took a few years off my parents’ lives and shocked a few friends. this week i took a job as a waitress and put my two weeks notice in at my job.
this is something i’ve been toying with for awhile. i’ve spent 6 years post-college, skipping from one job to the other. i normally get a new job when i’m unhappy at a current one, and i enjoy it for awhile. then i become increasingly unhappy with my lack of fulfillment and lack of accomplishment of something that i truly care about, and my attitude worsens and i feel more and more dejected every day. and in the past 6 years, getting a new job hasn’t ever solved my problem. i focus so much of my energies and worries on my current situation that i spend less time trying to solve the problem outside of work. when work starts affecting how i feel in my day to day life and how i feel about myself, i know it’s time to go.
i’ve come to realize that the corporate world may not be for me. i’m very sensitive and take things personally and lack confidence sometimes. i place too much value on the way other people see me. and i internalize too much.
i’ve never wanted to be defined by “what i do.” and isn’t that the question people ask you when you are getting to know someone? at a party, a bar, in a meeting….”what do you do?” i struggle with that. why does what i do matter? it doesn’t define who i am….i feel this is a popular question meant to give the inquirer an overall portrait of who someone is. well i dont like it. surprise surprise. i don’t define myself by what i do in my day job. i define myself through the things i feel, the things i love and feel passionately about.
if not now, when? i don’t have any dependents (god help us). and i don’t have anything tying me to a particular job or place. i’m young and can afford to take a few risks. so i pulled the security blanket out from underneath my own feet. i am kicking my ass into gear and scaring the living daylights out of myself. i’m making myself uncomfortable, so that i’ll do something about it. i’m going to be working as a waitress to pay the bills, and concentrating on my photography endeavors more fully. i want to put more of myself, into what i want to do with the rest of my life. why wait?
its going to be scary, and it’s going to be uncomfortable. but nobody ever said it was going to be easy. i just know that this is something i have to do. i would rather regret something that i DID do, than have regrets at the end of my life about something that i never did, a chance that i never took. so if i fall on my face, then ok. at least i’m trying to find something more and get something more out of my life.
so thank you for your support and your faith in me because most of the time, i lack faith in myself. and that, among other things, is something i hope to gain in this journey.